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Done, done, done.....
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Jan 9, 2012 8:10 pm
1487 Views
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Done!!! Yeah! I am now officially an Accountant...with a degree!! I waited a very long time for this....27 years from beginning to end, but it was so totally worth it.
Now to find out what life has in store for me. I can now begin to LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!
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39
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So I wait....
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Jan 8, 2012 10:22 pm
1284 Views
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I have so many thoughts running through my head, but none stand still long enough to put them down on paper. Exhausted doesn't begin to describe how I feel. Days and nights of endless writing until my fingers began cramping on my keyboard. And now it's done...and I wait. I don't wait patiently. One grade...one paper...one final score. Please God, don't make me do a rewrite. At least this one didn't mysteriously disappear off my computer. One grade.
I slept yesterday. The dogs and I curled up on the couch and dozed while watching meaningless movies that I can't even remember. Schatzi and Schavonne were happy because Mom spent the whole day holding and loving them. I haven't had time to do that for the past six years. Today we cleaned house...at least part of it. I love when everything smells fresh and clean...when I know it's been newly scrubbed. Perfect.
And I wait. I don't wait well. I keep logging on to see if the score is there. Not yet. It makes me crazy. Maybe if I go to the other web site...I'll find the score is posted....nope. Back to waiting. Did I mention God didn't give me patience? He's making me learn it, in more ways than one...but he didn't give me any. It sucks when you make an impatient woman practice patience.
Dogs want to go to bed and so do I, but I need to jump in the shower first. Do you know what it feels like to know I can go to bed any time I choose? We went to bed at seven last night. Of course, I hadn't slept Friday night...stayed up all night finishing my paper. Probably have 40 hours into this paper. Did I do it well?
I felt very positive about it when I submitted it, but now I sit and wonder...did I miss something? Was I rushing it? Should I have reviewed it one more time? I don't want to have to rewrite and wait again for the score. Please don't make me wait. I suck at waiting.
It's been hard to keep my focus, everything distracted me. I wanted to play, wanted to do other things, wanted to clean my house. There's something sick and wrong about WANTING to clean your house. It kept my mind occupied so I didn't think about that missing score. How'd I do? Am I done? Can I have my life back?
What's wrong with these people? Can't they see how much I need to know? NOW!!! please?
And so I wait....
I wish you were here to hold me...to keep me from losing my sanity...to reassure me...to love me.
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Remembering....my journeys
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Jan 3, 2012 10:31 pm
1506 Views
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Do you remember...a different day, a different time...when life was simpler? Or is that only a place in my mind? I used to walk fields picking wildflowers, ride crazily over hills...hair flowing behind me until it was too tangled to easily comb. And I remember, wondering where those days disappeared.
It wasn't just for fun, it was a need I had to let the wind rush past my cheeks as we ran. Perhaps it was a substitute for the ocean, too far away for me to submerge myself and wash clean my soul, so we'd blow away the exhaustion and the pain and leave the world far behind. And I remember, longing, for those memories again.
I didn't miss the world on those afternoon journeys, for what was to miss in the hectic pace and constant demands? I traveled places within reach of my home, but too far to easily walk and it was an adventure...a journey....a solace. And I remember, hungry for the taste of fragrant flowers on my lips.
And I wonder...when we let them slip away into silent crevasses...into absent longings...into forgotten spaces. Perhaps this the journey I'll now take...to bind loose ends...and travel back...to days when life held less...and more.
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7
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Almost.....
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Dec 29, 2011 9:55 pm
1572 Views
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1 down...one last paper to write on Marketing and I am done. This paper changed in parameter in the past week so it's going to be a bit interesting. It's been a lot of work but I've learned how to do really interesting power point presentations and even to break down graphics so they will animate the way I want. I'm not saying I'm good at it, just that I'm learning. Now to do the Marketing paper and then I can finally get some rest.
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When the first star travels through the night from you to me...what does it bring? So much I imagine...and wonder...and wait to see. No hopes without reason, no dreams out of season...only a lingering wistfulness as I...wait.
Close my eyes and I can feel the laughter, arms wrapped around my shoulders as I write, soft kisses on the top of my head...and I simply wait...
for what...I cannot say for hoping...is not my way today.
Be blessed. Be loved. Be all that is possible...for anything less fails yourself.
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5
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Question #12
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Dec 27, 2011 11:31 pm
1848 Views
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If you kiss the corner of my lips...can you taste the essence of my soul?
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6
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Always
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Dec 26, 2011 10:53 pm
1810 Views
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Let me slumber
Through the night
Wrapped in arms
That hold me tight
As I whisper
Deep in sleep
"Bring the heart
That I may keep."
Let me never
Feel you leave
Only let my
Heart believe
That together
We will be
Ever through
Eternity.
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6
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Merry Christmas
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Dec 24, 2011 9:02 pm
2281 Views
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 Merry Christmas everyone!! ^:- May you all have hearts filled with love wrapped around you. ^:- And may the spirit be with you...for all the meanings of the day.^:-
Be blessed...be loved...be at peace.
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17
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Self-pity
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Dec 24, 2011 9:00 pm
1913 Views
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Tonight I am cold and empty and I don't know myself. I rarely feel loneliness rage within me and yet...I am so lonely and lost. I wonder how so many others spend this night...alone, without feeling desolate. So little to say for the depth of what I feel is wrapped deep inside.
Have you ever sat in a room full of people...and known you did not belong...and that in many ways, you did not matter, even though they are family? And I wonder what I've done wrong and why I can't see it.
Could I have done more? Should I have? Am I supposed to submerge all that I am...and if I choose not to, is this what comes? This emptiness. This pain...this sense of not being?
Sometimes the not being would be a blessing.
And so I cry...and curl up into a ball...and wonder what is broken inside me...and how I repair it.
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5
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Yours
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Dec 21, 2011 5:56 pm
1930 Views
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One down, two to go. Finished my Capstone project yesterday...it's supposed to be the culmination of all I've learned, a business plan. It actually wasn't too bad although I worked through most of two nights to finish early and then slept fourteen hours straight. Think my body is trying to tell me something. I'm listening, sort of. I'll sleep lots more next year...maybe. For right now, I've got too much to do in a very short time.
Delivered Christmas gifts to my office and I was thrilled when gifts I wasn't sure of really pleased people. One of my co-workers loves bling and I wasn't sure the necklace I bought her wasn't too blingy...but she really loved it. I gave Michelle a great cookbook to go with her snowflake. It was titled, "Anyone Can Cook!" She took one look at it, giggled, and said, "I doubt it. If I haven't learned in 40 years, what makes you think I'll learn now?" And my boss couldn't stop playing with the eagle I gave him. It was the wood...parasite wood? I have no idea, but it had wonderful folds and textures. The guy who got the pink ipad cover? He just laughed...especially when he read the "Mine!" written all over it...and the NACHO IPAD! I had more fun with that gift.
Michelle gave me a dictionary of sarcasm. Y'all should be really scared now. Like I needed help. But I love it and I've been giggling at some things I never thought of before. It's going to be up there with one of my most used gifts...along with the Scrabble Dictionary another friend gave me several years ago. I think it's about ready to fall apart and I'll have to replace it, cause Michelle and I use it daily to look up words she says I've made up. One of these days I'm going to get her to kiss the other side of my butt....don't dare a word lover.
****************************************************************
It isn't the day, it's the heart. It isn't the gift, it's the love. It isn't the songs, but the melody that plays throughout the sharing.
My soul misses you. We wait so long, hoping to find that which makes us greater, which shows us love we cannot comprehend until it fills us so completely that we do not wish to exist alone. Your love is the river cascading over half-submerged rocks to tumble into my heart.
For an eternity have I searched without ceasing, knowing only that you exist, knowing only that I can feel you on the web of all life, hear your voice, feel your heart beating, yet wander though I might, I cannot find you. It is not mine to find but rather the longest gift of time, to bring two hearts which beat in harmony with the wind together, binding back the foibles of fate. And so I wait.
I wait for the weaver to bring closer the tapestry of our lives into one cohesive piece. I wait for the moment in which our paths are brought together once again, melded into one, bonded, destined. I wait writing the story as it is spoken to my soul, knowing that my words find footing in your heart, my words remind you, my words shape echoes into patterns, for I am the storyteller...and you are the story.
I miss you with a physical pain. Heart charred from conflagrations with no meaning, it hungers for the soothing waters of your love. Soul burdened with the knowledge of your presence, the ache of your absence is like claws slivering skin from freshly healed wounds. You have bound my eternity to a destiny I did not choose, yet would not forsake. It is but a memory but it passes so deeply that I cannot unwind it from skin. Absorbed, we are entwined.
I melt the anger from open, seeping wounds enshrouding your hope, you heal the broken dreams I dare not share. Let me fill your life with laughter as you bring order to my world, let me open your dreams to reality as you widen the view from which I write the songs, let me love you once again...as once we loved...my heart remains....
...yours.
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3
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I remember
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Dec 19, 2011 2:08 am
2088 Views
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It's been a long day...and night. I work a while on my business plan and then get up and work a bit on the house, or watch a movie to give my mind a break. Nearly done...I hope to be able to submit it today and jump straight into the next assessment. Once this one is done, I'm down to two papers to write. I'm tired and I want to quit but I'm too close and too stubborn.
It was funny the other night. I lay in bed thinking I was having a heart attack. The pain was so intense I couldn't believe it. It spread down my arms and up my jaw...and I remember thinking it was just like that day in the dentist's office when they overdosed me on nitrous...if I'm going to die, God, let's just get it over with. I don't really care anymore, there's so little here for me. And then...it just hit me...HELL no....not this close to getting my degree. I want my degree first. And then I woke up. I couldn't believe there was no pain and as I sat up in bed I felt so much relief. That's me. Too damn stubborn to die.
It's a painful time of year for me...remembering, feeling. I think it's supposed to be. I've turned it into a time of review, a time of appreciation...a time of giving love to God in ways he's given it to me.
For whatever length of time, he gave me the greatest love I can imagine. It may have been taken too soon, but I don't regret a breath of it. I would give everything to have one more minute in his arms, one more second to whisper that I love him, one more inhalation to feel his healing and the faith he had...that I was something more than the me I see...the me I felt for so long...the me no one else could love quite so...completely. I would give everything just to see the love in his eyes for one more heartbeat.
I thank God for the love he taught me to share when he gave me each person who touches my life...each person who touches my soul...all the sisters and brothers I've found here and in my outer world...all of you...and all of those who've moved into other venues. Each of you a joy in completely unique manners. They say people come into our lives for a reason. Each of you came into my life to teach me to love more deeply, to appreciate more completely, to accept more diversity, and to give with all of me...all that you give to me.
I look at you and remember each moment we share together, in the blogs, by email, on the phone, even in person. Laughter and tears, pleasure and fears, such a magnificent pool of love we all have to draw from...and I realize how very fortunate and loved I have been. And my fortune is in hearts that have opened to let me share a tiny part of their lives. My fortune is in the love I've been given, whether for an instant or a lifetime.
My joy...is that God loves me enough that he blesses my life with riches I never thought I'd have. He lifted me from struggling every day of my life just to survive to being free to live my life without fear of being inadequate one more time; from a man who worked every day to destroy me, to a man who worked every day to show me all that is beautiful in me. He guides my steps and protects me when I don't know how to help myself, when the road is long and dark and I am trembling in fear or pain...when there is no one to reach out to...he is there.
He holds my hand and he keeps me safe. I feel him holding me. I feel him loving me. And I feel him guiding me...to being able to help others, to being filled with laughter and the ability to share the joy in my heart with those who still struggle...and those who allow...a tiny bit of magic to touch their world.
If I have a gift, it is the willingness to share that tiny bit of magic in how I see the world. Warped, yes...twisted, absolutely...wicked, ummm...probably, naughty...beyond any doubt...still, he shows me the magic that others sometimes struggle to see..and lets me share it in tiny stories and moments of silliness.
I believe in magic. I have to...it led me to you.
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